#2 Limits

(I’m preparing for my optimization midterm on Wednesday and it’s all I could do to stop myself from titling this post “Constraints”)

I’m shit pretty scared about this midterm.

I was supposed to study the whole day and yet all I’ve done is make pav-bhajish bhaji (and eat it, duh). I then tried to study but was too full so I ate chips and slept for two and a half hours. By the time I woke up, I was hungry again, so I warmed up fried shrimps from last night and had them with white bread and black tea with lots of sugar. I then proceeded to open my laptop and books and realized I couldn’t do it.

I wish I could say I can do it but I won’t.

But the truth is, I can’t.

I can’t study the whole day, I get distracted. Of course if I could bring myself to not be distracted and study, not want to make the pav bhaji, not want to doze off right after supper and then wake up to eat more, I wouldn’t be me. I have terrible attention span and I have to be doing ten things at the same time.

So I can’t concentrate on solving optimization problems for even an hour straight. I did start, and less than fifteen minutes in I realized I can’t and I realized why I can’t and I realized I have to write about it. Look at me. I’m a wreck.

This will be the end of me, I’m sure.

In undergraduation I had an incentive to score well – in future, I’d want to study a subject I like and only a good score would back up my application, because my degree (*dramatic bgm* in civil engineering) wouldn’t.

Look at me now. Studying things I love, but now I can afford to be distracted.

(I’m just kidding, you didn’t watch me have a meltdown last week when I got a B in what I thought would be my easiest class…)

More than brains, decisions reflect personality. I hear people loosely throwing around statements like, “I could’ve quit my job like he did but chose not to.”

Maybe he couldn’t sleep at night while he stayed in his job – that’s why he quit. If you wanted to you probably would’ve already unless constraints (woohoo!) put you at conflicts. There is so much more to I could’ve.

My poor decisions define me, so here I am writing this on Sunday. Meanwhile I’m downloading an app for Data Structures and Algorithms on my phone and opening yet another tab to see Glassdoor reviews for Quora. I have my midterm 2 days later, this is my toughest subject. Yet I have to write this or I can’t have peace, and if I didn’t have 10 tabs open in Chrome I wouldn’t be me.

And I know that as soon as this draft is done I’ll be plugging in my headphones and dancing to Milegi Milegi, because who can resist?

I watched 3 other dance videos while trying to copy-paste that link. I hate myself.

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