Every Person On Instagram

Inspired by folks I’ve seen on Instagram, this article isn’t intended to offend but if you think it’s you I’m talking about, it probably is. The list is by definition incomplete so please don’t be offended if you were skipped (or were you?).

  1. The News Feeder/Faye D’Souza Lite
    At one point when the world was falling apart, they shared worldly updates with diligence. They have continued to stay in character and can’t seem to find a good time to stop.
  2. The Feelings Surrogate
    This is the person that exhausts you with the endless issues they pick up on keyboards. Global warming, education, animal rights, human rights – you carefully skip their updates on a bad day. But you’re glad they exist, for they feel the hard feelings while you sleep peacefully in the knowledge that somebody cares. Roles might switch, or be transferred.
  3. The Liberal
    Their favorite quip is Everyone has a right to live the way they want. No, not like that. Having metamorphosed into worse than the conservatives they abhorred, others quake at their judgmental gaze. We asked if they had a response, Let me check Twitter to know how I feel about that was all we got.
  4. The Fun Content Dude who lives with a Fun Content Family
    They allegedly work hard, they also play hard and it’s for the world to watch on Reels. Of course we don’t believe them for a minute, but life’s hard and I just downed a whole carton of no-pulp orange juice to numb myself after a Wednesday, so trust me to string along as your body descends into a pool on camera with gay abandon.
  5. The Hack
    That content creator whose career and followers’ welfare depend on the favorable angle their camera is fixated at.
  6. The Warrior
    A purist commenting This isn’t pure Kathak under a video of Alia Bhatt promoting Ghar More Pardesiya.
  7. The Defender
    The one replying If you want to watch pure Kathak you need to go elsewhere, triggering a heated debate on Instagram rights and justice.
  8. The Canadian Sun
    They put an end to the thread with Let’s appreciate her for learning the dance in 3 days, it maybe a sh*t show but the show did go on.
  9. Boomers
    Their minds will be blown away as they discover Reels feature in 3..2..1
  10. The Offended Woke
    They are the reason why Comedy Central didn’t air The Office’s diversity episode and whom Pick your battles goddammit was originally directed at. They’re currently on a mission to guilt-trip me on behalf of non-English speaking horses who apparently cannot get humour.
    NOT TODAY, Satan.
  11. The Cat/Food/Photography/Workout/Lurker person
    Honorary mention.
  12. The Conflicted Artist
    They were traditionalists on social media until recently, when they relented to deluging content.
    Sometimes, they add #poetsofinstagram to their poem while shrugging at life-choices that led them there. Sometimes, they unweave what could’ve been a satirical drama into a lazy list. And they definitely cringe every time they share an Insta story announcing their own post.
  13. The OG – You Gotta Do What You Gotta Do Squad
    Toughened by time and lessons learnt on the “gram”, these professionals are the antitheses to the Conflicted and serious about giving their audience what they want. The kitchen sinks in their background have just enough dirty dishes to make them appear human, if there’s any more it will include a small write-up on being human. Of course it’s no easy feat to keep at anything twice a week, and we love them for being reliable.
    In short, their unprecedented success is why I have annoying folks on my feed performing Bollywood trends under #foodporn, in hopes of going viral.
  14. The Humble Brag
    They share erudite arguments that lack any context and jokes that need a preface, leaving us hanging and feeling a little dumb. You always vow never to return to their smartest person in the room updates. But like they say, genius needs an audience, and we all need a genius.
  15. The Good Samaritan
    You – when you sit and click through 79-odd canyon stories posted by a lovable friend who doesn’t yet know they’re boring because they have equally sweet friends that won’t skip nor tell.
  16. Instagram
    A monster that’ll make you accidently hit like on your ex’s ex’s picture but somehow your crush who sits through every one of your stories won’t. This is obviously a personal grievance, I’m sure you can think of your own reasons why Insta is the real monster (apart from Reels).

#4 Instagram, Rage

So this happened first while I was still home, back in June or so. I was going over my Instagram stories (I hardly ever did that, ever), and all of a sudden I came across the story of a senior from college who I obviously wasn’t fond of. In my head I practically shouted “WHY are you in my feed, insert expletive“, quickly visited her profile and unfollowed her.

I was surprised at the amount of anger this individual, whom I haven’t seen or interacted with in over five years, was capable of rousing in me. While I felt some relief in unfollowing said person, I also felt good for standing up against somebody who I clearly knew did not have good intentions, who probably put up a good persona that the world was obviously keen to follow, but I know what kind of a person you really are <insert expletive> I said to myself. In my defense, this was a senior who was openly rude to a lot of people while we were still in college, but her (then) popularity and resourcefulness meant it all drowned in the politics of getting things done. But isn’t five years a long time to carry it through?

I swiped left to view more stories, I think I unfollowed some 10+ people who no longer belonged to my present. I had probably “Follow back”ed them on account of familiarity at some point in our lives and forgotten about it. (I didn’t watch people’s stories on Insta, and I still don’t go through my feed a lot unless it’s food or dance).

I repeated the exercise again yesterday. The rage that seethes from nowhere into my head as I see a story pop up is scary. It’s like I still live in their wrong act, whatever that was. Of course I have my own self-appointed moral code as do most of you (I’m guessing) and I think that’s fair. So I unfollowed a couple more people, I realized I didn’t want to count the number of people I’ve thus shut out of my life on account of my own moral code, it would be painfully higher than expected.

I wonder what that makes me? Does that make me unkind? I’m just one of those many that can survive with very few people in my life, just because I think I do know the reality of most people, and in such circumstances it makes more than enough sense to keep people out. Yet the rage (and disgust, I’ll admit) I felt made me, well, sort of ashamed of myself. I felt like a teenager still holding grudges when I consider myself past that shit. To feel that kind of disgust for fellow human beings is not one of my proud moments, and yet I realized I wanted no part of them in my Insta, just like there’s no part of them in my present. I felt petty, lame.

I don’t know what that makes me. I hope it’s human.

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