Tag: mental health

#25 Postcard – To be grateful for Life – All of It

Colbert says, But this is the only life we have. So how can you only be thankful for parts of it? You have to be thankful for all of it, you don’t get to pick and choose.

I am not sure what you call these sessions in therapy. But I was recently in the stage – and it’s so weird, I can’t tell you if it’s the stage of life or therapy or both – where I was identifying the origins of triggers. Driving is a very common trigger. The issue now is that there are times where I think, Oh that thing I wrote about 4 years ago – that obviously was a projection of something onto something or someone. Or that behavior I spoke about is really telling of something else. I am surprised nobody identified that or spoke to me about it, or did they?

I’m trying hard to answer what Anderson Cooper asked, Am I the person I was meant to be? Didn’t everything that ever happened affect who I am today? Don’t I need people to know that, a mark or a sign on my forehead that says I’m not who I was supposed to become?

To which Colbert replies, But you’re exactly the person you were meant to become.

I think that’s the only answer we know, I don’t think we know the true answer. His theory is that maybe in an alternate reality his father is still alive, he never had to be a parent to his mother, and maybe he’s happier in that version, but definitely different. Colbert says, But this is the only life we have. So how can you only be thankful for parts of it? You have to be thankful for all of it, you don’t get to pick and choose.
All I know is life is imperfect, kindness is hard to practice, especially to self, and I’m trying my best to be thankful for all of it.

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#24 Postcard – Spring 2022 : PARADISE LOST.

Ugh, that word. When did she start using it? Virtually. For all practical purposes. Bottomline.

It was the later part of the shower and there was hair stuck between the butt. Long even when curled up – definitely came from the head. Add Get a trim to a new list maybe?

It feels so weird to not keep a list after so long. Maybe a visit to Portland would be nice, Portlandia was a good show and Fred Armisen is awesome. Come to think of it, even that guy is a sex addict and a cheater. People lose it when celebrities ask to be treated as humans, unless it’s Mithila Palkar.

Sunday loomed over her to the point that even Saturday shower turned dull. Of course it was still fun if she was out and about. But that was part of the problem. What about the inside? She was now one of those people she always had suspicions about – is there too much or too little going on in your head that you either can’t nor need to sit down with your thoughts?
Why didn’t the therapist hear about this?

There were two guys she was meeting, they didn’t know about each other but it didn’t matter. In this age of parents owning up to occasionally despising their little monsters and of loyal spouses that keep mind-whores, this was allowed right? RIGHT? They all begin with the same Any luck on the app? (nobody has met anyone nice ever, where are all the good folks?). Each one ends differently. That should be a writeup – a hundred ends to the same beginning. But really they all had the same abysmal end. Virtually.

Ugh, that word. When did she start using it? Virtually. For all practical purposes. Bottomline. Favored by ends-justify-means folks, invalidating experiences and events. Used often to draw comparisons, oftener to talk business, or to close with a ruthless fact. Virtually needs better contexts.
Why is the adverb so different from the adjective anyway?

There is a bit in John Mulaney’s standup – the one good thing coming to Texas this March – where he says I don’t even know what my body is for at this point, other than to carry my head from place to place.
Sounds about right. All the scrubbing, peeling, moisturizing, epilating and washing up only to carry a head from place to place seems absurd yet almost true. For dancers the body is their device so that would make sense. What was it to her at this point, anyway? And the body definitely couldn’t keep up with her mind.

Mulaney was 35 (and married) when that comedy special came out. 35 year old men regardless of their marital status shouldn’t be treated to an audience for their chaos, unless you’re Mulaney and/or funny. At least virtually.

Mental Health, Introverts, Conversation

I’ll be fucked if this is some transitory phase from being an introvert to extroversion. Please tell me it isn’t.

At the beginning of this year or even three months ago I couldn’t have imagined that I’d be writing this. Yet here we are.

Two weeks ago, I met somebody on a dating app (what else is new?). I would write about the guy, but let’s focus on me as we always do so nobody is scared off by this article.

He called himself a conversationalist and over a first-call asked me a bunch of questions.

I knew the questions. I knew he was trying to figure me out before he told me that, because a 25-year old me had tried it and then stopped. It’s a fairly straightforward exercise where you ask somebody a simple question, and listen.

Except really, while it is story-telling, it’s still a conversation between two people. You are on the other side ensuring they like talking through it while respecting boundaries, but most importantly retaining genuine interest in what they have to say.

Narcissists usually indulge since your interest is construed as recognition of their brilliance. But unless their jobs depended on it, the worst has to be a person who asks you that stuff only to get in your good faith, or to fit you into a familiar box. They neither want nor deserve your story, they’d probably be happy with the lukewarm one-liner you reserve for a coffee-shop greeting. Which is why bless the introverts who don’t play that game.

Well, unless our jobs depended on it.

So I love listening, but it’s my turn to speak. And then I realized my mind was a mess.

Before I could finish one half-formed thought I was reaching for another. This was new to me because behavioral interviews have been my thing, because I’d spend too much time in my head, and I usually have some idea as to what lies in there or atleast always trusted myself to follow a train of thought to arrive somewhere intelligible.
Without it, I’ve been trying struggling to define what I might be.*

So I say, I’d usually enjoy this, but this is just a bad time. And I briefly mention anxiety.

Sometimes I drive so I don’t have to listen to my thoughts. And that seems like a bad reason to do anything, especially if pushing down on the accelerator makes you feel better about drowning out the mess.

I think the irony is that mental health was my priority for half a decade, staying attentive to when I need to sleep in or go out or meet people or be compulsively active. I hear people say it can be horrible to spend time inside your head. You know what? That was today, it will be better tomorrow, and the day after I would be gushing about how wonderful my life is, just like Sunday and the whole week before that.

The mind is a scary place, you’d think you know exactly what’s going on and have no idea what’s been brewing up in there or for how long.


PS: I’ll be fucked if this is some transitory phase from being an introvert to extroversion. Please tell me it isn’t.

PPS: I know we’re all adults here but to be safe, this isn’t about talking but about talking talking.

* that was a train of thought. Phew. I’m proud.

Highs and lows – 2020

Share your high/low : : https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/LT8G2HJ

Share your story! : https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/LT8G2HJ (all submissions are anonymous)

I just read yesterday that one of my favorite comedians has checked into rehab after he relapsed into drug abuse during the pandemic. I know many including myself who have been seeking help for general distress over this year but reading about his episode, I briefly reflected on my own low lows this year. The one I have mentioned in the survey was for some mind-numbing reasons (again, not proud) and after reading about the incident I realized that may have been my lowest. Maybe I’ll write about it soon.

Do you have a high or a proud moment from 2020 that you’d like to share, or a low? My proudest might just be getting out sane after the long-ass year this was while being away from friends and family, but specifics are very welcome! No other reason except I like to hear from people, this year was hard for everyone, and human spirit/resilience is usually cause for awe.

The comma,

The beauty of the comma lies in all it stands for. Comma is hope, just like semi-colon is (the better) alternative to a full-stop. It’s an appeal to pause and to look around, to not get lost in details when it gets too much, to not lose track of all that makes life beautiful.

I was watching 13 Reasons Why (again) and realized, If I had to get a tattoo today (maybe I wouldn’t get it or maybe I would, but if I had to) I’d get a comma.

The semi-colon has received its due, sure, but what about the comma? Not enough has been said about it. What if an impending full-stop was not your issue, what about getting through every day?

I hate talking in metaphors as well.

Comma, we’re taught, is a pause in the sentence. It’s often a necessity. At other times it’s yet another device to structure your writing, your sentence, to convey your tone.
And they’re mostly harmless.

I like trees, flowers and life.
I like trees, flowers, and life.

I wanted a pause after flowers– maybe that gave it a rhythm in my head, maybe I was pensive or maybe I’m just obsessed with adding unnecessary punctuation that infuriates the shit out of readers.

But the beauty of the comma lies in all it stands for. Comma is hope, just like semi-colon is (the better) alternative to a full-stop. It’s an appeal to pause and to look around, to not get lost in details when they overwhelm, to wait and remember all that makes life beautiful.
Because there’s always details, all day everyday. And when they appear larger than life, remember to ,

For instance, this whole year I’ve wondered how in the big picture I’ve spent my 25th year on earth without eating good meencurry while staying away from people I love. I ask myself everyday, is anything worth that? For now all I have are questions. Also I think that was a bad example.

My brother and I talked about (terribly) longer sentences the other day – how they often creep up in my writing, how he thinks the work is badly edited when he comes across one in a news article/report, to which we discussed and decided (or I did :P) that it’s cool if it isn’t formal writing, and it’s cool if the statement is still coherent.
I have stretched out so many sentences into whole paragraphs made possible only by the comma – and maybe a hyphen. 😀

And while it might sound so much like an inferior sibling to the semi-colon, in a lot of cases, comma suffices. It gets you through. It’s for daily use.

And it does its job pretty damn well too, no?

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